Since my mom died a lot has changed...mostly inside me. Life is very different when you lose your mom. I was very close to mine. My sister, my mom and I were the 3 Musketeers! Last September I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy *smiling* and he's been the most amazing experience of my life! His name is Liam Kane. My mother would have LOVED him. It's definitely difficult raising a child without your mom around to ask questions of and to help keep you calm when you're not sure what to do. I miss her every single day.
Liam is everything now and my life needs to be better than this to meet his needs over the next 17 years. I'm 46...I need to live as long as I can, so that I can be around for all that is on its way. My health...I need it now more than ever. My great grandmother lived to be 96, my grandmother...88. My mother...69. If I don't make serious and drastic changes my number will be up soon. Knowing this makes it even harder. I wish I had never abandoned my new healthier lifestyle...I wish I had let it be my strength instead of going back to my old coping mechanisms. But, I didn't so this is where I am now. No use dwelling on it...won't change a thing.
Today would have been my mother's 72nd birthday. Even though it wasn't her intention, she taught me more than anyone or anything else could have about how important it is to take care of yourself...by showing me exactly what will happen if you don't. I used to think...it doesn't matter if I eat junk food...my mom does and there's nothing big wrong with her....ok, well a little high blood pressure but otherwise nothing. I didn't know this then but her "little" high blood pressure was anything but little - apparently her numbers were off the chart, the doctor calling her a walking dead person. In the end she had early kidney failure, emphysema, restless leg syndrome, high blood pressure, osteoporosis and lots of side affects from tons and tons of medications. Her teeth rotted because she didn't go to the dentist and that prevented her from qualifying for a kidney transplant. (She wouldn't have qualified anyway once they discovered the emphysema.)
Anyway, the point is...I can't think of a better day to re-commit to the most important mission my life could possibly begin. For me, for my son, for my husband...and for my mom.
And, so it begins...
