My life...my mom, my step daughter, my work....all of it builds stress.
My mom is dying. We are all dying...some slower than others. My mom is on the fast track. It's been hard for me to deal with it and I have been dealing with it inside, not expressing it outwardly. I tried to make a hundred YouTube videos to catch up where I'm at and give an update but I can't even start without tears and as I sit here and type....tears. I'm tired of feeling this sadness but how can you not feel sad...this is sad, period. It is what it is.
My husband and I believe my step daughter is being sexually molested. We can't prove it, she won't admit anything, and Child Protective Services has told us that unless we see the act, or the child admits the act, they won't even start an investigation. I'm not going to go into the details here, not the place but we have reasons to believe this, lots of them. I was even told by a retired law enforcement friend, after telling him all we know, that we were justified and we should contact CPS...we did that but to no avail. How sad is that? And, frustrating....and infuriating....and completely unhelpful and NON protective is that?! She's 10 years old this month...lives with her mother and her mother doesn't think there is anything wrong. Of course, I'm sure her opinion is not swayed one bit by the car the man has given her or any of the other gifts and presents and money...it's a mess and it makes me angry and very sad, period. It is what it is.
Work. I've been dealing with a situation at work, that I just can't resolve. I am having a difficult time with a co-worker and I am not going to elaborate on it here. Difficult, however, is an understatement. I have never in my whole adult working life ever dealt with anything like this. We have tried all kinds of ways to work together and it's just not working. Sometimes there just isn't a resolution. You're just different and don't understand one another. I just want her to leave me alone and let me do my job, something she finds very difficult. I'm very frustrated by this situation...and my boss is trying to help but there is only so much you can do. If this town offered more in the way of job opportunities I'd have left a long time ago. I feel as though I've given what I can to the situation and now I'm just done with it. I'm done and I'm job hunting again....in a town that have very little to offer in the way of job opportunites. It is what it is.
Time is a precious thing. It takes time to "live". There are 24 hours in a day...8 of which should be devoted to sleep. 8 more to work. That leaves you 8 hours. 8 hours to "live" in each day. It's a fact that living healthy takes more time than living unhealthy. It just does. Especially when you've spent a good 40+ years living unhealthy. Living healthy takes concentration and focus and huge commitment. And, I believe, it's easier for some than others. I don't know why that is, but some just don't struggle with the "want" of junk food or sugar. They just choose well, always. Were they born without the love of food, especially really decadent, full flavored comfort foods? Do they ever crave it like some of us do? To the point of being angry about it? Add that sensation to all the life stressors that many of us feel and it's no wonder.....and then add to that the "new food industry" where every form of non-nutritional, even cancer causing chemically laden foods are available for a fraction of the cost of the healthy choice. I swear some of the additives are addictive. They have to be. Why else would someone crave a completely inferior tasting food and not even be able to get enough of it. It makes no sense. I will spend the rest of my life fighting my addiction. I will never be at ease with food. I will never have a natural relationship with food. It just is what it fucking is.
So, the bottom line is, the past 3 months I've been struggling with trying to stay healthy while dealing with all that goes along with taking care of my mom (and dealing with my own sadness about it), writing letters to CPS, talking to private investigators and law enforcement and dealing with the most absurd situation at work which I tend to take home to my husband......and ALL that has to fit into my 8 hours that I have left to "live" in and all I want to do with whatever little bit of time is left over, is sleep. I have no energy. none. It's easier to nuke a frozen burrito than take the time to make a healthy version instead. And, then it becomes comforting to eat 3 burritos one right after the other. And, pretty soon....you're not healthy anymore.
I've gained 23 lbs. in the past 3 months....
I HATE that my mom is going through this horrible slow death.
I HATE that my step-daughter is being violated and her mother is making it ok.
I HATE that I have to walk on eggshells at work every single day.
I HATE my addiction to sugar and food in general.
And I HATE that I was beginning to feel like I use to, powerless, hopeless, defeated.
But, I LOVE me. And, I deserve MORE than this. And, I'm ANGRY. I'm angry at all that I can't control and I let that take away the ONE thing that I can. It almost got me too.
What good is it going to do to give up on myself? Does eating bad and losing my self esteem make the pain of watching my mother wither away feel better? Does not being able to breath and feeling defeated because not taking care of myself make this man stop hurting my step daughter or make her mother miraculously grow a conscience? Does eating huge amounts of food at once make the situation at work feel any differently? No, it doesn't. And, I KNOW it doesn't do squat to change my addiction to sugar or my struggle with food.
I STILL WANT MORE and I'm angry.
I'm not going to let all of these things overtake what I want and need to finish! My mom is still going to die...my daughter is at the mercy of her mother and if I can help I will but I won't own the guilt of her mother's inactions....and the situation at work is going to change. because I'm not going to put up with it anymore. And, all of those things are NOT as important as me.
My journey to good health is the only thing that makes it possible to deal well with all of this other crap. It comes first from now on. "You feel sad? Well, you'll have to feel sad AFTER your workout." I need help in dealing with all this crap and the help is in focusing on this journey first and foremost.
I'm back....
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Friday, Saturday and my weigh-in!
So, Friday I took the bus to work because the sore throat was being persistent. I climbed stairs on my break, went to lunch (Taco Bell Fresco taco) with my mom so no walk during lunch, but I walked home. Then I walked to meet my husband at the gym later that night. My gym workout was awesome! I did 20 minutes of intense cardio, then did chest and shoulders and worked them pretty hard...my husband helped me focus on my muscle contraction by placing a finger on the muscle I needed to focus on...for some reason this helps immensely! Great workout! We took the bus home instead of walking. I finally got some vitamin C and my throat already feels better! Amazing what a gob of vitamin C can do!! :)
Okay and let's see, Saturday was not according to plan...I got on the scale in the a.m. and lost 1.4 lbs. for last week bringing my grand total lost to 58.4! Woo Hoo!! That's my highest lost so far and I've lost for the past 3 weeks in a row...which makes me feel like I'm pulling out of the yo yo thing I had been doing. I've been very careful with my diet and the exercise has been off the charts so I'm hopeful I'll see another loss next week. I didn't exercise on Saturday though. I simply opted not to. Today is Sunday, and since I took Saturday off of exercise I'm hoping to get some in today...although I have no idea where or how. I have to go to my sisters because my uncle, who I haven't seen in 10 years, is in town!! YAY! And, then we have a movie we are taking the whole crew to tonight (Alice in Wonderland!!) So, I might have some time between like 5 and 7 where I can get some cardio and abs in. I'll try!! If not, it won't be the end of the world, but it would feel great to squeeze it into an otherwise jam packed day! :) I'd love to go roller skating but that's not going to happen today.
I found out on Friday, while I was having lunch with my mom, that she has been diagnosed with emphysema. We knew something was probably up but thought it might be related to her kidney failure. I don't know yet what we are looking at in terms of life expectancy....a year? two? I know 4 is probably the max, she's in stage 4...the last stage. I did a little research on it and it's just a horrible thing and I am heart sick that she is going through it. So, the next few years will be a challenge for me, as my coping mechanism in the past has been food. But, my mother's health is one of the biggest reasons that prompted me to finally stick to something solid...I don't want to go through what she is going through. It's very real to me, the risks involved, when you don't take care of yourself properly. We think it's not really doing much of anything except making us look bad, but on the inside, over the years, it's doing a tremendous amount of damage, some of it irreversible. It was a huge wake up call to me. It's unfortunate that it took something so huge to make me take notice.
Okay and let's see, Saturday was not according to plan...I got on the scale in the a.m. and lost 1.4 lbs. for last week bringing my grand total lost to 58.4! Woo Hoo!! That's my highest lost so far and I've lost for the past 3 weeks in a row...which makes me feel like I'm pulling out of the yo yo thing I had been doing. I've been very careful with my diet and the exercise has been off the charts so I'm hopeful I'll see another loss next week. I didn't exercise on Saturday though. I simply opted not to. Today is Sunday, and since I took Saturday off of exercise I'm hoping to get some in today...although I have no idea where or how. I have to go to my sisters because my uncle, who I haven't seen in 10 years, is in town!! YAY! And, then we have a movie we are taking the whole crew to tonight (Alice in Wonderland!!) So, I might have some time between like 5 and 7 where I can get some cardio and abs in. I'll try!! If not, it won't be the end of the world, but it would feel great to squeeze it into an otherwise jam packed day! :) I'd love to go roller skating but that's not going to happen today.
I found out on Friday, while I was having lunch with my mom, that she has been diagnosed with emphysema. We knew something was probably up but thought it might be related to her kidney failure. I don't know yet what we are looking at in terms of life expectancy....a year? two? I know 4 is probably the max, she's in stage 4...the last stage. I did a little research on it and it's just a horrible thing and I am heart sick that she is going through it. So, the next few years will be a challenge for me, as my coping mechanism in the past has been food. But, my mother's health is one of the biggest reasons that prompted me to finally stick to something solid...I don't want to go through what she is going through. It's very real to me, the risks involved, when you don't take care of yourself properly. We think it's not really doing much of anything except making us look bad, but on the inside, over the years, it's doing a tremendous amount of damage, some of it irreversible. It was a huge wake up call to me. It's unfortunate that it took something so huge to make me take notice.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday...
Tuesday was a disaster! An absolute disaster!! It's a long story but it revolves around a car and a dead battery and a very important appointment. We'll just leave it at that. But, on the upside of that was the very important fact that I did NOT indulge in a binge or overeat in any way to deal with the stress of the day. I did, however, have a true meltdown emotionally realizing the stress I was carrying around over things that have nothing to do with my weight loss. I credit my new lifestyle to helping life me out of that funk in nanoseconds compared to the way I have coped in the past. I did not break my plan, ate solidly, and opted for an early bedtime forgoing my workout that day. I have learned to listen to my body and let it guide my decisions.
Wednesday was a 100% improvement on Tuesday. I walked to work in the a.m. (about a 40 minute walk)., climbed stairs on my break, walked on my lunch for a half hour, walked with my husband on my afternoon break and then walked downtown to go shopping while I waited for my husband to get off work. After I bought a new nightgown (cute spaghetti strapped silky thing) and a couple of blouses for work my husband and I headed for the gym. I did 15 minutes of intense cardio and a pretty intense leg workout. We had to catch the bus so I finished my triceps workout at home. My nutrition was great...6 small meals, spread about 2-3 hours apart.
Thursday (today) I woke up with a sore throat. Great. I just remembered that I ran out of vitamin C two days ago...might have something to do with it...mental note: Don't forget to pick up the vitamin C! (it's now 9:04 p.m. and I forgot to pick up the vitamin C...*sigh*) So, I ignore the sore throat and walk to work, climb stairs on my break, walk on my lunch and on my break, and walk home. When I got home my mother-in-law and her boyfriend were here so I visited with them for about 40 minutes which stretched my mealtime out to 4 hours since the last meal...not good. That's never good. So, I ate way too much at my dinner meal BUT I had plenty of points to spare so it's all good. And, I opted out of the next meal. Since I will be going to bed early (trying to prevent getting a full blown cold) I won't need a 6th meal today.
After I ate, I watched my recorded episode of Biggest Loser, put my sneakers on and did an intense 20 minutes step session and then worked my abs pretty hard. Stretched and now I'm ready for bed! awwww shit! I gotta go take a shower first, THEN I'm ready for bed....well, and I have to get some food ready for tomorrow, but THEN I'm definitely ready for bed....um, after I set all my clothes out for tomorrow, but then I swear I'm really gonna be ready for bed.....I'm exhausted now tho....lol!
Tomorrow is FRIDAY and I have a great weekend planned! I'm going to lunch with my mom and my uncle Roy is here from Oregon to visit, I am doing TWO update videos for YouTube, I have my weigh-in on Saturday morning and we (the hubbs and our kids) are going to go see Alice in Wonderland (LOVE Johnny Depp!!) so the weekend is jam packed with fun stuff! I'll be carrying a cooler with all my food around with me and getting my workouts in on Friday night and Saturday without fail. Sunday is my off day...
Nighty night ;)
one more thought....are you doing all you can to reach your goals....? ;)
Wednesday was a 100% improvement on Tuesday. I walked to work in the a.m. (about a 40 minute walk)., climbed stairs on my break, walked on my lunch for a half hour, walked with my husband on my afternoon break and then walked downtown to go shopping while I waited for my husband to get off work. After I bought a new nightgown (cute spaghetti strapped silky thing) and a couple of blouses for work my husband and I headed for the gym. I did 15 minutes of intense cardio and a pretty intense leg workout. We had to catch the bus so I finished my triceps workout at home. My nutrition was great...6 small meals, spread about 2-3 hours apart.
Thursday (today) I woke up with a sore throat. Great. I just remembered that I ran out of vitamin C two days ago...might have something to do with it...mental note: Don't forget to pick up the vitamin C! (it's now 9:04 p.m. and I forgot to pick up the vitamin C...*sigh*) So, I ignore the sore throat and walk to work, climb stairs on my break, walk on my lunch and on my break, and walk home. When I got home my mother-in-law and her boyfriend were here so I visited with them for about 40 minutes which stretched my mealtime out to 4 hours since the last meal...not good. That's never good. So, I ate way too much at my dinner meal BUT I had plenty of points to spare so it's all good. And, I opted out of the next meal. Since I will be going to bed early (trying to prevent getting a full blown cold) I won't need a 6th meal today.
After I ate, I watched my recorded episode of Biggest Loser, put my sneakers on and did an intense 20 minutes step session and then worked my abs pretty hard. Stretched and now I'm ready for bed! awwww shit! I gotta go take a shower first, THEN I'm ready for bed....well, and I have to get some food ready for tomorrow, but THEN I'm definitely ready for bed....um, after I set all my clothes out for tomorrow, but then I swear I'm really gonna be ready for bed.....I'm exhausted now tho....lol!
Tomorrow is FRIDAY and I have a great weekend planned! I'm going to lunch with my mom and my uncle Roy is here from Oregon to visit, I am doing TWO update videos for YouTube, I have my weigh-in on Saturday morning and we (the hubbs and our kids) are going to go see Alice in Wonderland (LOVE Johnny Depp!!) so the weekend is jam packed with fun stuff! I'll be carrying a cooler with all my food around with me and getting my workouts in on Friday night and Saturday without fail. Sunday is my off day...
Nighty night ;)
one more thought....are you doing all you can to reach your goals....? ;)
Monday, March 1, 2010
The new workout went well today. I got up early this morning and walked to work instead of taking the bus...it was exhilerating...I'm looking forward to the nicer weather. Then on my break I climbed the 3 flights of stairs in my building 3 times up and back down. Then at lunch I walked for 30 minutes briskly through the neighborhood....all this activity made me HUNGRY...so I made sure I had plenty to eat at each of my meals. No skipping any meals today.
After work, despite the blustery weather, and little bits of sprinkles I walked home. Then tonight after dinner we headed to the gym. I did my 20 minutes of intense cardio on the eliptical machine and then worked my back and biceps. I did the lat pulldown and seated row for my back, and the bicep curls and hammer curls for my biceps.
Injecting alot of activity throughout the day keeps my blood flowing and my energy up. I sit ALL day long at my job so it's important to get the blood moving. It was a good day! :)
After work, despite the blustery weather, and little bits of sprinkles I walked home. Then tonight after dinner we headed to the gym. I did my 20 minutes of intense cardio on the eliptical machine and then worked my back and biceps. I did the lat pulldown and seated row for my back, and the bicep curls and hammer curls for my biceps.
Injecting alot of activity throughout the day keeps my blood flowing and my energy up. I sit ALL day long at my job so it's important to get the blood moving. It was a good day! :)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
NEW TRAINING SCHEDULE
MONDAY - FRIDAY
Before work: Ride or walk to work OR do 30 min cardio DVD or step
AM Break: Climb stairs 3 times & coffee
LUNCH: 30 minute walk (outside or 3rd floor if raining)
PM Break: Walk outside (if raining stretch & coffee in lounge)
After work: Ride or walk home (if raining take bus and do 20 min step)
MONDAY - WEDNESDAY - FRIDAY
GYM WORKOUTS
MONDAY: Cardio / Back & Biceps (stretch at home)
WEDNESDAY: Cardio / Legs & Triceps (stretch at home)
FRIDAY: Cardio / Chest & Shoulders (stretch at home)
TUESDAY - THURSDAY - SATURDAY
HOME WORKOUTS
TUESDAY: DVD or Step & Abs, stretch
THURSDAY: DVD or Step & Abs, stretch
SATURDAY: DVD or Step & Abs, stretch
SUNDAY - DAY OFF (rest!)
Friday, February 26, 2010
If only...
I do weekly vlogs on a YouTube channel called The Weight Loss Diaires, every Saturday. This week's topic is interesting....it's about those things we tend to say to ourselves that create obstacles cleverly disguised as valid excuses, or so we think. How many times have you told yourself "If only I had money, I could join a gym and exercise." or "If only there was more time in my day, I'd be able to cook healthy food."
Everything could be completely set up perfectly and you might still find an excuse somewhere...we have to look for the opportunities not the obstacles.
"Because I have air in my lungs & a body that can move, I can change my world."
"Because I have strength & determination I can overcome anything."
"Because there are 24 hours in every single day I have plenty of time to exercise."
"Because I shop creatively I can feed my body healthy nutritious foods."
"Because I can reshape my body & mind through nutrition and exercise, I can pursue a new career in health & fitness."
"Because I take care of myself I can give more to my family."
"Because I love who I am and feel good about my life and my decisions I am no longer inclined to let other's opinions decide my fate."
"Because I believe in myself, I can achieve any dream!"
Everything could be completely set up perfectly and you might still find an excuse somewhere...we have to look for the opportunities not the obstacles.
"Because I have air in my lungs & a body that can move, I can change my world."
"Because I have strength & determination I can overcome anything."
"Because there are 24 hours in every single day I have plenty of time to exercise."
"Because I shop creatively I can feed my body healthy nutritious foods."
"Because I can reshape my body & mind through nutrition and exercise, I can pursue a new career in health & fitness."
"Because I take care of myself I can give more to my family."
"Because I love who I am and feel good about my life and my decisions I am no longer inclined to let other's opinions decide my fate."
"Because I believe in myself, I can achieve any dream!"
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Today was a struggle...
Today was a tough day...I didn't "do all I could" today to have a good weight loss day. I did walk at lunch but I could tell it was more of a leisure stroll than a good brisk walk. I didn't go to the gym and I was suppose to go roller skating with my sister and it got cancelled...so I should have either gone to the gym or worked out at home and I took a nap instead. Maybe my body needed the rest, I dunno, but I am still tired so I'm heading to bed tonight earlier than usual.
Tomorrow I am hoping to feel more refreshed and ready to kick it up a notch! No gym scheduled for tomorrow but I might go anyway after work. If not I will definitely work out at home. I need to hit the weights more consistently...been focusing on cardio and I see better results if I make sure I combine cardio AND weights.
Tomorrow I am hoping to feel more refreshed and ready to kick it up a notch! No gym scheduled for tomorrow but I might go anyway after work. If not I will definitely work out at home. I need to hit the weights more consistently...been focusing on cardio and I see better results if I make sure I combine cardio AND weights.
In the zone...
I'm doing well this week so far. Just very focused and working hard at staying on track and getting into a zone. I do much better when I'm in a zone and focused hardcore on getting something accomplished. I feel like I've gotten my groove back big time. Finally. I want things and I'm not going to stop until I get them. For the first time in my life I'm going to get what I want. I'm going to make it happen because I am PERFECTLY CAPABLE of that and more! This is my year, my time, my moment. I'm done being afraid and I'm not going to let something as insignificant as bad food bring me down.
Bring it on....!
Bring it on....!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
How my week went...
I lost 4.4 lbs. this week!! I'm so glad the work pays off...it just confirms that if you truly do the work, it will show. I've been yo-yoing for 2 1/2 months because I keep interrupting my progress with overeating or binges here or there. This week I didn't allow that to happen and it's even more important to continue that next week because this is what I do...I gain, get mad, lose...relax a bit...gain again...and so on. And, it might even be considered "maintainence worthy" but I'm not in maintenance...I'm still in weight loss. I still have 43.4 lbs. to lose to make my Dec. 31, 2010 goal. I currently still weigh 204.2 lbs. I am no where near maintainence.
Losing 4.4 lbs. that you've already lost once before is not as sweet of a victory....
I am trying to figure out why I keep straying...what is making me overeat and I think generally it's boredom with my food and being hungry. I workout with weights so my appetite is higher than it use to be...I feel lethargic at times when I don't eat enough and if I get too hungry I'll overeat at my next meal. In particular the afternoon times. I need to make sure I eat a bigger meal at my mid afternoon times (2:30 and 5:30). I'll work on that this week.
And, I want to try some new recipes...incorporate more "fun" foods, still clean, still wholesome but a healthy treat here and there and not the same old same old. I'm going to try TrulyJess' 1 pt chocolate chip cookies. I normally can't have baked items in my house but I want to try this out as I think it could help me stay on plan better. We'll see...it's moving a bit out of my comfort level but I gotta shake things up a bit. I also want to do some new things with chicken and turkey. I have some ideas for some wraps this week and I'm going to try some new spices as well.
I'm very pleased with my loss this week, but feeling apprehensive nonetheless. In really trying to figure out what the main problem is (I mean besides stress and money issues which I mentioned earlier...) I think having more "fun" in my diet and less boredom will really help. The potential to lose well should be the same as the ingredients are the same...it's how I put it all together that will be different this next week. My only concern is containing my 1 pt. cookie consumption to 2-3 cookies at a time. I think it only bakes 12 anyway...so worse case scenario is I eat 12 pts. at one time...not the worst thing that could happen. I feel pretty good about trying this.
this is tough stuff. Losing weight, creating new ways to cope with stress, keeping up with workouts, trying new recipes...it's hard to live a lifestyle full of so much attention and focus on taking care of yourself. It's easier to sit around and let the laundry build up and let the dishes pile up...skip a shower, skip a workout...eat whatever takes the least effort. That's all so much easier when you're heavy and tired and sluggish and just want to sleep all the time.
But, the interesting thing is that doing all of those good for you things breeds pride and a better understanding of yourself. Helps lift your mood and feel accomplished, one task at a time. I don't exhaust myself anymore with doing the laundry and dishes....those have finally become the last thing on my list...now I just need to let go of the stress I feel in not doing them all the time and things will go alot smoother. It doesn't matter how many different ways I look at it....the dishes and the laundry are NOT more important than my nutrition and exercise. NOT more important than taking care of me. PERIOD. Not anymore....never again will be. And, thankfully I have a hubby who does his own laundry and doesn't mind washing a dirty dish when he needs one. He ROCKS in my book....and he's lost 17 pounds himself....and is gaining some impressive muscle to boot!
Losing 4.4 lbs. that you've already lost once before is not as sweet of a victory....
I am trying to figure out why I keep straying...what is making me overeat and I think generally it's boredom with my food and being hungry. I workout with weights so my appetite is higher than it use to be...I feel lethargic at times when I don't eat enough and if I get too hungry I'll overeat at my next meal. In particular the afternoon times. I need to make sure I eat a bigger meal at my mid afternoon times (2:30 and 5:30). I'll work on that this week.
And, I want to try some new recipes...incorporate more "fun" foods, still clean, still wholesome but a healthy treat here and there and not the same old same old. I'm going to try TrulyJess' 1 pt chocolate chip cookies. I normally can't have baked items in my house but I want to try this out as I think it could help me stay on plan better. We'll see...it's moving a bit out of my comfort level but I gotta shake things up a bit. I also want to do some new things with chicken and turkey. I have some ideas for some wraps this week and I'm going to try some new spices as well.
I'm very pleased with my loss this week, but feeling apprehensive nonetheless. In really trying to figure out what the main problem is (I mean besides stress and money issues which I mentioned earlier...) I think having more "fun" in my diet and less boredom will really help. The potential to lose well should be the same as the ingredients are the same...it's how I put it all together that will be different this next week. My only concern is containing my 1 pt. cookie consumption to 2-3 cookies at a time. I think it only bakes 12 anyway...so worse case scenario is I eat 12 pts. at one time...not the worst thing that could happen. I feel pretty good about trying this.
this is tough stuff. Losing weight, creating new ways to cope with stress, keeping up with workouts, trying new recipes...it's hard to live a lifestyle full of so much attention and focus on taking care of yourself. It's easier to sit around and let the laundry build up and let the dishes pile up...skip a shower, skip a workout...eat whatever takes the least effort. That's all so much easier when you're heavy and tired and sluggish and just want to sleep all the time.
But, the interesting thing is that doing all of those good for you things breeds pride and a better understanding of yourself. Helps lift your mood and feel accomplished, one task at a time. I don't exhaust myself anymore with doing the laundry and dishes....those have finally become the last thing on my list...now I just need to let go of the stress I feel in not doing them all the time and things will go alot smoother. It doesn't matter how many different ways I look at it....the dishes and the laundry are NOT more important than my nutrition and exercise. NOT more important than taking care of me. PERIOD. Not anymore....never again will be. And, thankfully I have a hubby who does his own laundry and doesn't mind washing a dirty dish when he needs one. He ROCKS in my book....and he's lost 17 pounds himself....and is gaining some impressive muscle to boot!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Well, my last post was dismal...the past two days have been better. I'm on track, so far, and while I'm not convinced it will be a great weight loss week yet, I am pretty sure that I'm at least pointing in the right direction. I have an amazing husband who truly supports my efforts and really goes the extra mile to help support me in times like these. I've made great nutritional choices the past two days...and tonight we decided to go to the gym. We normally don't go on Sundays but I want to take it up a notch and try to burn off some of my gain. I did a 20 minute intense cardio session (I also went roller skating earlier in the day) and worked legs. I'm going to stretch here in a minute, then shower and settle in for the night. This feels good. This serious sense of accomplishment feels very very good. When nothing else seems in my control it's nice to feel something that I can control and feel prideful of.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Disappointed
I am highly disappointed in myself this week. I knew I was going to struggle to even break even at weigh in but I actually gained 5.8 lbs. I've been on this journey since June 20, 2009. I had only gained twice from then until now and they were no where near this much. I am so disappointed in my choices and lack of control this week. I had at least 3 major challenges and rather than look for the opportunity to stay on track I took the low road and gave in to temptations and overindulgence.
I am trying to analyze why....they could be characterized as "binges"...I am fighting that old behavior, when it's been months since I've used this familiar coping mechanism. If I take a good long look at my week, my last few weeks really, I see that there are two major things that are happening, both of them creating a fair amount of stress on me. First, we are very very broke. I am filing bankruptcy because my income level had dropped $40k per year when I moved home to help take care of my mom, who has kidney failure. So, there are no credit cards, nothing left over to save...we live paycheck to paycheck. Normally we do okay. This year it seems there is way more to pay for than we have money for, even if we squished every cent we could out.
My husband needs dental work...and when I say "need" I mean need! He's neglected it for so long he has major infections going on. All of his teeth (what's left of them) need to be pulled and dentures made. We are told this will cost $8,800. My insurance will cover only $1500. We only have $7,200 in extra spending money per year if we pinch every single penny and nothing comes up that the kids need or that we need. In addition to this I need $2800 to pay the attorney for my bankruptcy. I owe the IRS $1400 for an error in my 2007 taxes. We haven't done our taxes this year but I suspect we'll owe, based on the changes we experienced this year. We don't have a car...my brother-in-law offered his broke down Audi to us but it needs work and doesn't run at the moment. We are guestimating that the cost to fix it is between $500 and $800. We sleep on an airbed and as a result my back has been getting worse...getting out of bed in the morning is sometimes excruciating...we need a real bed. Last year we didn't do Christmas, but this year we were hoping to. We have 5 kids.
So, all of this wouldn't be so bad, but you top it off with a job that you hate, in a small town where good jobs are impossible to find and therefore you feel trapped and it makes for a very depressing situation. If I didn't love my husband so much and was committed to my family as I am, I wouldn't live in this town...it's crippling in terms of career opportunities.
I think I'm stressed out about money and work. And, when I get stressed out I eat. Period. My gain is a direct result of my coping with this stress in my most famous and familiar way. Bingeing.
There is only one thing that I feel like I have any amount of control over and that's my health. So,when that starts to slip it makes me feel almost panicked. I am very discouraged by the gain...I feel very defeated and I feel like I have a huge stack of bricks on my shoulders. I'm just so tired of it all....
I guess if I were to step outside the box and look at the situation, trying not to feel the emotion of it, I would say to myself...here's what you do: 1) You decide what is realistic and you deal with only that, the rest will have to wait. Make a plan for your finances and work it. 3) Use your new health plan and exercise to deal with your stress. Work it out in the gym instead of reaching for comfort foods. Sounds simple but you know it's gonna be hard...but the more you conquer it the more you're going to feel in control and on top of at least one thing that's important to you. Baby step the rest of it.
My mom has a saying that gets her through the tough times and I think it's wise to remember that.... "This too shall pass..."
I am trying to analyze why....they could be characterized as "binges"...I am fighting that old behavior, when it's been months since I've used this familiar coping mechanism. If I take a good long look at my week, my last few weeks really, I see that there are two major things that are happening, both of them creating a fair amount of stress on me. First, we are very very broke. I am filing bankruptcy because my income level had dropped $40k per year when I moved home to help take care of my mom, who has kidney failure. So, there are no credit cards, nothing left over to save...we live paycheck to paycheck. Normally we do okay. This year it seems there is way more to pay for than we have money for, even if we squished every cent we could out.
My husband needs dental work...and when I say "need" I mean need! He's neglected it for so long he has major infections going on. All of his teeth (what's left of them) need to be pulled and dentures made. We are told this will cost $8,800. My insurance will cover only $1500. We only have $7,200 in extra spending money per year if we pinch every single penny and nothing comes up that the kids need or that we need. In addition to this I need $2800 to pay the attorney for my bankruptcy. I owe the IRS $1400 for an error in my 2007 taxes. We haven't done our taxes this year but I suspect we'll owe, based on the changes we experienced this year. We don't have a car...my brother-in-law offered his broke down Audi to us but it needs work and doesn't run at the moment. We are guestimating that the cost to fix it is between $500 and $800. We sleep on an airbed and as a result my back has been getting worse...getting out of bed in the morning is sometimes excruciating...we need a real bed. Last year we didn't do Christmas, but this year we were hoping to. We have 5 kids.
So, all of this wouldn't be so bad, but you top it off with a job that you hate, in a small town where good jobs are impossible to find and therefore you feel trapped and it makes for a very depressing situation. If I didn't love my husband so much and was committed to my family as I am, I wouldn't live in this town...it's crippling in terms of career opportunities.
I think I'm stressed out about money and work. And, when I get stressed out I eat. Period. My gain is a direct result of my coping with this stress in my most famous and familiar way. Bingeing.
There is only one thing that I feel like I have any amount of control over and that's my health. So,when that starts to slip it makes me feel almost panicked. I am very discouraged by the gain...I feel very defeated and I feel like I have a huge stack of bricks on my shoulders. I'm just so tired of it all....
I guess if I were to step outside the box and look at the situation, trying not to feel the emotion of it, I would say to myself...here's what you do: 1) You decide what is realistic and you deal with only that, the rest will have to wait. Make a plan for your finances and work it. 3) Use your new health plan and exercise to deal with your stress. Work it out in the gym instead of reaching for comfort foods. Sounds simple but you know it's gonna be hard...but the more you conquer it the more you're going to feel in control and on top of at least one thing that's important to you. Baby step the rest of it.
My mom has a saying that gets her through the tough times and I think it's wise to remember that.... "This too shall pass..."
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Two Days and One Night
It's two days and one night until my next weigh-in and I haven't done as well this week as I would have liked. Did I mention the BBQ on Sunday?? Well, now we are going out to dinner on Sunday night for Valentine's Day and then down to the City on Monday all day. So, I need a plan of action...my goal is to lose 5.5 lbs. this month. At this point I think I will be breaking even at weigh in, if I'm lucky...so it's important to not let this Sunday and Monday be an excuse to ruin my week.
I want to enjoy Valentine's meal but that doesn't mean I have to overindulge. Normal portions are on the menu for that meal. Then, Monday my intention is to pack my cooler and take my meals on the road with me. I'll eat my usual 5-6 small meals throughout the day. If my family decides to eat out I'll have to put in my request to go somewhere with healthy meal options. I think that's a decent compromise. This is an opportunity to find creative ways to have a day out and a Valentine's dinner out and still be on track!
I'm about to go pick my husband up from work and then I'm going to get my workout on! Two days and one night!!! Bring em on!! ;P
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Weigh-in and more!
Oops, I kinda forgot about blogging until today. ><>
It's been a challenging week though. I have been fighting old demons...literally fighting them. There has been a battle going on inside my head the past 3 days, probably why I lost focus and didn't blog...I wasn't in my usual frame of mind. I am happy to say however, that I won the fight this time!!! I got MAD and kicked my own ass tonight at the gym and finally pushed my cravings to the side and my bad attitude. NOTHING is going to stop me from reaching my goal and beyond. I am not ever going to go back to living the way I use to...I'd rather die to be honest.
And, on that note, my ACE Personal Training Manual arrived!!! I'm officially studying for my Personal Training Exam (hoping to take it in Dececember). I also hope to learn alot from this manual for my own journey. I live in a small town and the market here for personal trainers doesn't appear to be abundant. But, just as I did with this path I'm on now...I'll just have to forge a new one, won't I?! :)
I noticed something that really helped me take back control tonight. I did a few key things and I want to share them with you.
The first thing I did was pick out some "kick ass" music. Something with a message of strength and a sprinkling of anger. It suited my mood and need.
Then I focused. I mean REALLY focused. Every rep, every breath, every single movement was deliberate and concentrated...backed by my anger at how I have lived my life before and how it was trying to creep back in. My lazy, unfocused, wanting to fall back into old patterns, carb craving, pissy, whiney, half glass empty, crappy attitude was pissing me off!!! So, I used that anger to fuel my focus...and then...
...I became a peacock. I mean full on feathers and all! I started walking around confidently and securely. Not pompous...I hate pompous, but rather had a stride that was full of genuine pride and accomplishment. Happy accomplishment. I am proud of how far I've come and most of the time I walk around trying not to be noticed. Tonight, I walked like a peacock...and people noticed. I smiled when they looked my way and they smiled back...it was nice and it made me feel.............proud. Proud of how far I've come. And, I should walk tall and proud...besides it really makes you look thinner! ;)
It's been a challenging week though. I have been fighting old demons...literally fighting them. There has been a battle going on inside my head the past 3 days, probably why I lost focus and didn't blog...I wasn't in my usual frame of mind. I am happy to say however, that I won the fight this time!!! I got MAD and kicked my own ass tonight at the gym and finally pushed my cravings to the side and my bad attitude. NOTHING is going to stop me from reaching my goal and beyond. I am not ever going to go back to living the way I use to...I'd rather die to be honest.
And, on that note, my ACE Personal Training Manual arrived!!! I'm officially studying for my Personal Training Exam (hoping to take it in Dececember). I also hope to learn alot from this manual for my own journey. I live in a small town and the market here for personal trainers doesn't appear to be abundant. But, just as I did with this path I'm on now...I'll just have to forge a new one, won't I?! :)
I noticed something that really helped me take back control tonight. I did a few key things and I want to share them with you.
The first thing I did was pick out some "kick ass" music. Something with a message of strength and a sprinkling of anger. It suited my mood and need.
Then I focused. I mean REALLY focused. Every rep, every breath, every single movement was deliberate and concentrated...backed by my anger at how I have lived my life before and how it was trying to creep back in. My lazy, unfocused, wanting to fall back into old patterns, carb craving, pissy, whiney, half glass empty, crappy attitude was pissing me off!!! So, I used that anger to fuel my focus...and then...
...I became a peacock. I mean full on feathers and all! I started walking around confidently and securely. Not pompous...I hate pompous, but rather had a stride that was full of genuine pride and accomplishment. Happy accomplishment. I am proud of how far I've come and most of the time I walk around trying not to be noticed. Tonight, I walked like a peacock...and people noticed. I smiled when they looked my way and they smiled back...it was nice and it made me feel.............proud. Proud of how far I've come. And, I should walk tall and proud...besides it really makes you look thinner! ;)
Friday, February 5, 2010
Feb. 5, 2010 Weigh-in is tomorrow!!
I feel very accomplished and disciplined at the end of this week. Tomorrow morning is my weigh-in and I'm looking forward to seeing the results of my hard work this week. I hope I will have something on the scale to celebrate, but even if I don't, I can feel the difference this week and know I'm doing all that is good for my body and soul. Just got back from the gym...it's interesting how my mind thinks of myself as a fit, trim sporty kinda gal now...I mean, why wouldn't I....I eat, breath and sleep health and fitness these days. But, while doing my ab workout on the physio ball in front of the wall of mirrors at the gym, I noticed how I don't look like I feel. I still see a 200+ lb. girl in the mirror...I still have weight in my waist, legs, butt, thigh and neck...my arms are probably the trimmest part of me right now. And, much to my dismay my boobs seem to have lost more weight than anywhere else on my body. I feel like a machine...but I still have a long way to go to look like one. It's okay though...I'm up for the challenge and looking forward to whittling away the excess pounds and discovering what's underneath! I wanted Chinese food today in the worst way. I decided I'll have Chinese food in March. I think maybe for my 1 year wedding anniversary, we can take a drive up to this great little Chinese Food place I love and celebrate our anniversary ~ this doesn't mean it's a license to overeat. I simply means chinese food is one of my meals that day...small portions and LOTS of water! lol....
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Thursday, Feb. 4, 2010 Exciting News!
So! Today was an amazing day....work sucked less than normal, which was a nice break from the usual suckiness. I felt like I was able to participate in a brainstorming session that ended up having a very positive outcome. Anyway, that's not the exciting news!
I just, moments ago, hit the "purchase" button for my ACE Personal Training Certification Manual!! I am hoping to take the exam in December of this year and I want to get started on my studies! I also need to get CPR and AED certified. I will be a busy girl the rest of this year. :) This is the very first step to making health & fitness my new career and a permanent part of my life.
If there's one thing I'm passionate about it's sharing good information! I think we are so completely duped by the food industry. We think we are consuming healthy foods when we aren't. We think we are following the best health tips but really they are there to guide us exactly where the advertisers wants us. It's time for us to take a stand and demand truth and awareness. Demand whole healthy richly nutritious fresh foods. The other day a woman said to me....I only drink teas and juices, I stay away from all sodas...and I was looking at a "Green Tea" in her hands. I asked her if I could read the ingredients on the tea bottle. The first ingredient was water, the second was high fructose corn syrup, followed by a multitude of preservatives and additives...then finally, green tea. That's not any better than soda. It's pure sugar water with a hint of green tea. The bottle is very deceiving...it would be easy to assume it was healthy...it was green tea afterall...what could be healthier, right?
Do you think this is okay? One of my favorite quotes is "Be the change you want to see in the world." Ghandi. I want more out of my life...I want truth and I want what's right. When I go to a grocery store I want to know the food is as it appears to be and nothing more, nothing less. I want people to be empowered with their knowledge of nutrition instead of left wondering why they keep gaining weight and can't seem to stay on plan. WE have to take care of ourselves and not rely on an industry that cares way more about the mightly buck than they ever have or ever will about us...the consumer. I want to be the change I want to see in the world. I want to be the example of what is possible. I want to be a beacon of hope to people like me, who have struggled their whole lives with their weight and health. This is my first step...certification. From there the sky is the limit.
Stay strong...and remember, no more excuses! :)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2010
Just got back from the gym...I did the eliptical for 20 minutes and the stationary bike for about 15 minutes. I was suppose to do a leg workout but the gym was packed....I really hate the gym. I hate waiting for people and being watched while they wait for me. It makes it that much harder to get into a good zone and really push myself. So, I opted to work out my legs at home tonight, which I will do as soon as I write this post. I know it's gonna wipe me out and I have to shower after that so I better get this up.
It was a good, productive, weight loss day. I am feeling pretty good about my progress so far this week...and I am hopeful the scale will show good things. I am trying to get into Onederland (below 200 lbs.) and my last weigh in was 204.6. I won't see that happen this week, but maybe next week? I hope I'm close to saying goodbye to the 200's forever. Wow.......what a concept there. I've known this whole journey that this time was different....but....
....it just hit me that this will, in fact, be the last time I ever see 200 on the scale. I never intend to be back in this weight range ever again...and while I know LOTS and LOTS of people, myself included, that have said the exact same thing and still gained all their weight back...I dunno, I can't explain it. I just know that my life is changing. That I am changing. And, I truly believe myself when I say I will never see it again. I think this is a monumental thing....something to be taken very seriously. I think I might have to have a farewell party. Yes...yes I will. I am going to have a Farewell to 200's party! It should be both celebrated and reflected upon. The party goers will be just me and my husband but it will still be celebrated. And, while I am celebrating my final farewell to the 200's I will be sure to also celebrate the man who has never pressured me to lose weight and has always made me feel like a beautiful Princess...even at 260 lbs, my incredible husband, David.
Wow, I'm saying good bye to a very old familiar, highly annoying, friend for the very last time. I will never see this friend again...not all friends are suppose to stay with you for your whole life. What is that saying...something about how people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. The reason I stayed in the 200's is no longer inside me. There was a time when I needed the comfort of it, but now my life has changed, I have changed...it's time to let this friend go.... :)
It was a good, productive, weight loss day. I am feeling pretty good about my progress so far this week...and I am hopeful the scale will show good things. I am trying to get into Onederland (below 200 lbs.) and my last weigh in was 204.6. I won't see that happen this week, but maybe next week? I hope I'm close to saying goodbye to the 200's forever. Wow.......what a concept there. I've known this whole journey that this time was different....but....
....it just hit me that this will, in fact, be the last time I ever see 200 on the scale. I never intend to be back in this weight range ever again...and while I know LOTS and LOTS of people, myself included, that have said the exact same thing and still gained all their weight back...I dunno, I can't explain it. I just know that my life is changing. That I am changing. And, I truly believe myself when I say I will never see it again. I think this is a monumental thing....something to be taken very seriously. I think I might have to have a farewell party. Yes...yes I will. I am going to have a Farewell to 200's party! It should be both celebrated and reflected upon. The party goers will be just me and my husband but it will still be celebrated. And, while I am celebrating my final farewell to the 200's I will be sure to also celebrate the man who has never pressured me to lose weight and has always made me feel like a beautiful Princess...even at 260 lbs, my incredible husband, David.
Wow, I'm saying good bye to a very old familiar, highly annoying, friend for the very last time. I will never see this friend again...not all friends are suppose to stay with you for your whole life. What is that saying...something about how people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. The reason I stayed in the 200's is no longer inside me. There was a time when I needed the comfort of it, but now my life has changed, I have changed...it's time to let this friend go.... :)
Tuesday, Feb. 2, 2010
I can tell I'm losing this week. I can feel it. Well, that and also my wedding ring just fell right off my finger while I was talking with my hands. Well, that and I all of a sudden noticed how loose my pants are. Well....that and I put my hands on my hips during my step aerobic workout and felt a waist...talk about surreal! Yeah....I can feel it. It feels really good. :)
My challenge today was rice pudding....not just any rice pudding. I'm talking old Spanish recipe from my great grandmother Jualita type of rice pudding. It's made with a ton of butter, cream and sugar. My mom made some and invited me over. I don't remember ever eating this decadent desert during my childhood so I wasn't expecting much. I pretty much thought it was because it must be horrible and I will remember that as soon as I take a small taste of it. O M G....it was beyond yummy...I'm talking a serious slice of buttery creamy heaven...unbelievable. I cannot for the life of me think of why I didn't like it as a kid. Anyway, I had 1/4 cup, enjoyed it and counted the points for it. I'm glad I didn't take my mom's offer of taking the rest home. It would have been a HUGE temptation to have to try to deal with. No thanks.
Speaking of temptations...my dark chocolate bar is still in my desk drawer untouched. It's so weird to me how I can devour anything that remotely looks, smells or tastes like a pastry...but not even be remotely interested in a perfectly decadent dark chocolate bar. Very weird....
My challenge today was rice pudding....not just any rice pudding. I'm talking old Spanish recipe from my great grandmother Jualita type of rice pudding. It's made with a ton of butter, cream and sugar. My mom made some and invited me over. I don't remember ever eating this decadent desert during my childhood so I wasn't expecting much. I pretty much thought it was because it must be horrible and I will remember that as soon as I take a small taste of it. O M G....it was beyond yummy...I'm talking a serious slice of buttery creamy heaven...unbelievable. I cannot for the life of me think of why I didn't like it as a kid. Anyway, I had 1/4 cup, enjoyed it and counted the points for it. I'm glad I didn't take my mom's offer of taking the rest home. It would have been a HUGE temptation to have to try to deal with. No thanks.
Speaking of temptations...my dark chocolate bar is still in my desk drawer untouched. It's so weird to me how I can devour anything that remotely looks, smells or tastes like a pastry...but not even be remotely interested in a perfectly decadent dark chocolate bar. Very weird....
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Tuesday, Feb. 1, 2010
First day of February!! I had a great, healthy day. Work still sucks, but what are you gonna do, ya know? I try to focus on my weight loss journey and that helps me feel better. We hit the gym tonight...did 20 minutes of cardio, and worked chest, shoulders and triceps tonight. It felt good to get a good workout in!
My nutrition was stellar today! I'm back to tracking my points and I can already tell the difference. At this point, I don't really care if I have to do that for the rest of my life. Some people can just gage it right instinctively, but I guess I'm not built that way. Either that or I'm just not ready to be that independent yet. I'm just thankful I'm feeling that great "healthy" feeling again. I have discovered Crimini Mushrooms....oh...my...gosh! They are so buttery tasting and have such a great flavor when sauted in a bit of olive oil and garlic salt. LOVE them!
After the gym we watched a movie called "Brothers"...pretty good movie. I tried a recipe I got from TrulyJess's YouTube page called "pumpkin yogurt". not bad, not bad at all. We added protein powder though, since we needed a protein boost after our workout. I'm going to be experimenting with the rest of the pumpkin all this week...I'll be adding it to my oatmeal, baking it, blending it with cottage cheese, etc. I need to use it up and I LOVE pumpkin flavored anything! :)
I'm soooo tired...time to turn in and give my hard worked muscles some much needed recoup time.
Stay Strong...and remember, no excuses! ;)
My nutrition was stellar today! I'm back to tracking my points and I can already tell the difference. At this point, I don't really care if I have to do that for the rest of my life. Some people can just gage it right instinctively, but I guess I'm not built that way. Either that or I'm just not ready to be that independent yet. I'm just thankful I'm feeling that great "healthy" feeling again. I have discovered Crimini Mushrooms....oh...my...gosh! They are so buttery tasting and have such a great flavor when sauted in a bit of olive oil and garlic salt. LOVE them!
After the gym we watched a movie called "Brothers"...pretty good movie. I tried a recipe I got from TrulyJess's YouTube page called "pumpkin yogurt". not bad, not bad at all. We added protein powder though, since we needed a protein boost after our workout. I'm going to be experimenting with the rest of the pumpkin all this week...I'll be adding it to my oatmeal, baking it, blending it with cottage cheese, etc. I need to use it up and I LOVE pumpkin flavored anything! :)
I'm soooo tired...time to turn in and give my hard worked muscles some much needed recoup time.
Stay Strong...and remember, no excuses! ;)
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday, Jan. 31, 2010
As January closes and February begins, I'm looking forward to a better weight loss month ahead. Today was a great day though. I focused on just staying within my points and did a grocery haul. I forgot, of course to take photos of my grocery haul, before I put it all away but I can list what I bought:
Organic Sucanat
Splenda
Organic Bananas
Organic Apples
Organic Grapefruit
Organic Rasberries
Organic Blueberries 2 packages
Organic Strawberries
Organic Carrots
Organic Brocolli
Organic Cauliflower
Organic cucumber
Organic grape tomatoes
Organic green onions
Organic greek yogurt
cottage cheese
Clover 1% milk (no hormones)
Organic applesauce
Organic natural peanut butter
Organic ezekiel bread
whole wheat tortillas
72 eggs (four 18 count cartons)
chocolate and vanilla whey protein
Organic Almond Milk
Corn Kernals (for air popped popcorn)
butter
Canned pure pumpkin
2 cartons egg whites
wheat flour
Some of this will last 2 weeks, most of it only 1 week. I already had meats in the freezer so I didn't have to buy any of that this time. My husband and I eat the same foods...so I buy quite a bit as he's a big eater. It's expensive but our health is important to us so we don't mind cutting back in other areas.
The only thing I didn't do today was move. I didn't exercise. I am exhausted and I'm just not going to do it tonight. In fact, I'm going to load up a couple of pics to this blog and hit my pillow! (I'm having some work issues and fighting a bit of depression...so I haven't been as motivated as I was the last 7 months....but I'm working on it.)
This pic is of my lunch...ground turkey seasoned with onion powder and garlic salt on an ezekiel tortilla with sliced cremini mushrooms sauted in olive oil. I love cremini mushrooms! They have a milk buttery flavor to them when they are sauted. And, a picture of my Acorn Squash I ate earlier in the day. I have mixed in some vanilla soy milk, a 1/2 tsp of sucanat and some pumpkin pie spice...one of my favorite winter veggies!
I'm looking forward to trying some new recipes I got off YouTube this week. Oh, if you're a YouTuber I vlog there on two different channels. One is TheWeightLossDiaries and the other is my personal channel deniseolmstead.
Stay Strong and remember....no excuses!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Gaining Momentum...
My week is gaining momentum and it's only Sunday. I'm exploring the idea of journaling a "summary" of my day each day and then recapping each day's summary on video at the end of the week. Maybe I should keep track of my daily summaries via BlogSpot? hmmm... I got the idea from a series on YouTube called Road 2 Resolutions, where two avid Weight Loss Community members are checking in daily throughout their week to help keep one another accountable. I am considering trying to find a "buddy" to do this with, but it is difficult to find people who are committed and consistent...plus that would be taking on a whole extra layer of responsibility that I'm not entirely sure I have the time for. So, right now, I'm just playing with the idea and we'll see what happens. I feel like I could use the shot in the arm though and just by thinking about this my resolves and focus has improved immensely. Things have a way of getting old and mundane...sometimes I need a shot in the arm to keep it interesting.
Today I'm headed to the skating rink for some much needed cardio and it happens to be a sweet little girl's 4th birthday party at the same time so I will get to see some friends and hang out for a bit of socializing! I'm excited!
Gotta jump in the shower now....more later!
Today I'm headed to the skating rink for some much needed cardio and it happens to be a sweet little girl's 4th birthday party at the same time so I will get to see some friends and hang out for a bit of socializing! I'm excited!
Gotta jump in the shower now....more later!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
My workout and Haiti
I just got back from the gym and I feel exhausted! I worked out really hard...upper body ~ chest, shoulders and triceps. I feel good...it was a nice workout...I felt strong.
We walked home and I walked half way there and I walked at lunch....my hips actually hurt! lol That's alot of walking...I live on the edge of town so getting anywhere is about a 40 minute brisk walk.
My trip to the gym tonight was good in more ways than one. Prior to leaving for the gym I was watching the news...the news about the earthquake in Haiti. I felt an overwhelming sadness and uncertainty come over me. I feel for those people so much. And, in addition to the immense sadness for them, it makes me worry about me, my loved ones and what I would do if I found myself in a similar situation. It made me feel very unsettled. It was nice to go to the gym and remember that life is good...money is tight, but I eat well and have a gym membership...I'm completely in love and have the most amazing family and friends. Life is good and we are safe and warm and surviving...more than surviving...truly living. I won't take it for granted...I'll remember that there are others far less fortunate and I should be very grateful for all I have.
While I was pushing my body through a tough workout ~ I kept this in mind and it brought me back into my life again. The last time I felt this was during 9-11. The other thing that helped was just being around my husband and chatting with him...he made me feel so much better. I know this crisis in Haiti is not about me...not at all. I'm just saying it makes you stop and take stock...be grateful and even humbled.
We walked home and I walked half way there and I walked at lunch....my hips actually hurt! lol That's alot of walking...I live on the edge of town so getting anywhere is about a 40 minute brisk walk.
My trip to the gym tonight was good in more ways than one. Prior to leaving for the gym I was watching the news...the news about the earthquake in Haiti. I felt an overwhelming sadness and uncertainty come over me. I feel for those people so much. And, in addition to the immense sadness for them, it makes me worry about me, my loved ones and what I would do if I found myself in a similar situation. It made me feel very unsettled. It was nice to go to the gym and remember that life is good...money is tight, but I eat well and have a gym membership...I'm completely in love and have the most amazing family and friends. Life is good and we are safe and warm and surviving...more than surviving...truly living. I won't take it for granted...I'll remember that there are others far less fortunate and I should be very grateful for all I have.
While I was pushing my body through a tough workout ~ I kept this in mind and it brought me back into my life again. The last time I felt this was during 9-11. The other thing that helped was just being around my husband and chatting with him...he made me feel so much better. I know this crisis in Haiti is not about me...not at all. I'm just saying it makes you stop and take stock...be grateful and even humbled.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
This week...
I've had a very good day. Today was full of focus. I have cleaned my house...which always sets me in the mood for getting things done. I'm baking chicken and just finished my workout. A little later, after dinner I'll do some ab work too. I'm sipping a cup of de-caf coffee and watching House Hunters on HGTV. My husband is next door practicing. He's a drummer for a band he and his brother put together. They just finished recording their first album.
This week my focus is back to basics. Last week I didn't track on the Weight Watchers website at all. I wanted to try to figure out if I was ready to sort of ween off of it. By Wednesday I was up another pound. I started tracking again and dropped that pound by Saturday. I'll stick to the basics and keep tracking. I am horrible at gauging my food and portions unless I'm keeping track in some way. I'm ok with that, since I see some pretty good results from it. I would prefer to just know how to gauge it on my own, but perhaps that will come with time??
We'll see how this week goes but I may have to decrease my coffee consumption. Right now it's my one little luxury, but since replacing Stevia with brown sugar, the calories add up quickly. We'll see...I'm trying to keep it to 2 cups during the weekdays per day. One would be better, but I'm going to "baby step" it. On some days I was getting 4 cups in and that's just too much. And, right now I'm on my 4th cup for today. I really want to cut that down, especially during the weekdays.
This week I'm going to hit the gym HARD. I'm in the mood for it and want to see what results I can gain. I did a great leg workout on Friday and it felt so good! Today was Cardio and Abs. Tomorrow will be an upper body workout, Back and Biceps. I'm ready a magazine called Muscle & Fitness Hers and I'm going to try out some of the routines.
This week my focus is back to basics. Last week I didn't track on the Weight Watchers website at all. I wanted to try to figure out if I was ready to sort of ween off of it. By Wednesday I was up another pound. I started tracking again and dropped that pound by Saturday. I'll stick to the basics and keep tracking. I am horrible at gauging my food and portions unless I'm keeping track in some way. I'm ok with that, since I see some pretty good results from it. I would prefer to just know how to gauge it on my own, but perhaps that will come with time??
We'll see how this week goes but I may have to decrease my coffee consumption. Right now it's my one little luxury, but since replacing Stevia with brown sugar, the calories add up quickly. We'll see...I'm trying to keep it to 2 cups during the weekdays per day. One would be better, but I'm going to "baby step" it. On some days I was getting 4 cups in and that's just too much. And, right now I'm on my 4th cup for today. I really want to cut that down, especially during the weekdays.
This week I'm going to hit the gym HARD. I'm in the mood for it and want to see what results I can gain. I did a great leg workout on Friday and it felt so good! Today was Cardio and Abs. Tomorrow will be an upper body workout, Back and Biceps. I'm ready a magazine called Muscle & Fitness Hers and I'm going to try out some of the routines.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
NO! Absolutely NO!
Okay...I'm extremely pissed off right now. I was feeling all sorry for myself and dissappointed because I gained 3 lbs. over xmas week and then it looks like I'll have gained another 1 lb. on Saturday's weigh-in.
ALLLL the old familiar pity party fun has been present. Beating myself up, using EVERYTHING as an excuse...not even caring about what JUNK I've been putting in my mouth and LOTS and LOTS of hiding behind the comfort of old familiar habits. God dammit!
THIS is MY YEAR!!! 2010 is the year I find out what my true potential is...it's the year I find out how good it can get...how much I can transform and change and improve. And you know what? I'm not doing this anymore....NO! Not this time.
This isn't about eating taboo foods over Christmas, it's not about overeating since Christmas...it's not even about control, or lack thereof. It's about FEAR! Fear of success...fear of letting others down...fear of the unknown...fear of being the weak, can't-do-it Fat Girl in the end no matter what. No matter how much I prove otherwise. Well FUCK THAT! I'm NOT going to let this dominate me. I'm not going to give in to this VERY familiar saboteur.
Just prior to Christmas I was getting alot of people asking me for my help. For some reason I started to feel a tremendous amount of pressure to keep my progress up because I had to be a certain way for them now. I had to be a mentor, teacher, perfect, the girl with all the answers, the guru. It all of a sudden became about everyone else's expectations of me and I lost it...I lost my focus on me. I started freaking out about this outside pressure that just sort of cropped up all at one time, probably because everyone is focused now that it's the new year.
I am done with this. I am NOT going to let all my hard work...my DAMN hard work, be all for nothing. And, I do want to help people, but it can't be at the expense of losing my own focus. I don't have to be the guru...the girl with all the answers...the keeper of everyone else's success...or RESPONSIBLE for whether or not they excel or succeed. I don't have to own any of that, and I won't. NO, not this time. I've been down that road before and it's a big FAT DEAD END.
I want More. I want it more than anything else in the world. I want MORE! I want the opportunity to live with MORE. More life...more vivid, outstanding, breathtaking life. I want it and there is NO way I'm letting fear fuck that up. NO way. No more. Never again.
So, get the fuck out of my way Fear...because you have NO place in my life anymore. I'm no longer your bitch. You can't have my life...it's mine now. It's mine and I'm going to make it MORE than it's ever been before.
I lost 52 lbs. from June to Dec. in 2009.
Now it's 2010...and you ain't seen nothin yet!! ;)
ALLLL the old familiar pity party fun has been present. Beating myself up, using EVERYTHING as an excuse...not even caring about what JUNK I've been putting in my mouth and LOTS and LOTS of hiding behind the comfort of old familiar habits. God dammit!
THIS is MY YEAR!!! 2010 is the year I find out what my true potential is...it's the year I find out how good it can get...how much I can transform and change and improve. And you know what? I'm not doing this anymore....NO! Not this time.
This isn't about eating taboo foods over Christmas, it's not about overeating since Christmas...it's not even about control, or lack thereof. It's about FEAR! Fear of success...fear of letting others down...fear of the unknown...fear of being the weak, can't-do-it Fat Girl in the end no matter what. No matter how much I prove otherwise. Well FUCK THAT! I'm NOT going to let this dominate me. I'm not going to give in to this VERY familiar saboteur.
Just prior to Christmas I was getting alot of people asking me for my help. For some reason I started to feel a tremendous amount of pressure to keep my progress up because I had to be a certain way for them now. I had to be a mentor, teacher, perfect, the girl with all the answers, the guru. It all of a sudden became about everyone else's expectations of me and I lost it...I lost my focus on me. I started freaking out about this outside pressure that just sort of cropped up all at one time, probably because everyone is focused now that it's the new year.
I am done with this. I am NOT going to let all my hard work...my DAMN hard work, be all for nothing. And, I do want to help people, but it can't be at the expense of losing my own focus. I don't have to be the guru...the girl with all the answers...the keeper of everyone else's success...or RESPONSIBLE for whether or not they excel or succeed. I don't have to own any of that, and I won't. NO, not this time. I've been down that road before and it's a big FAT DEAD END.
I want More. I want it more than anything else in the world. I want MORE! I want the opportunity to live with MORE. More life...more vivid, outstanding, breathtaking life. I want it and there is NO way I'm letting fear fuck that up. NO way. No more. Never again.
So, get the fuck out of my way Fear...because you have NO place in my life anymore. I'm no longer your bitch. You can't have my life...it's mine now. It's mine and I'm going to make it MORE than it's ever been before.
I lost 52 lbs. from June to Dec. in 2009.
Now it's 2010...and you ain't seen nothin yet!! ;)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
My Nutrition and Exercise Plan
My nutrition guidelines:
The emphasis is on whole, fresh, organic, clean foods (meaning as little processed and artificial foods as possible). I found the most useful books to get this information from was The Eat-Clean Diet by Tosca Reno (I’m now reading her Eat Clean Diet Recharged! Book and I LOVE IT!) and Body For Life by Bill Phillips. In addition to this I am a Weight Watchers member and I keep my portions under control by following the points system in addition to eating clean. So, I eat clean first and then apply points to be sure my portions are correct. The more active I am the more I use the flex and activity points fully. I let my body guide me in terms of hunger and energy. You shouldn’t be physically hungry unless it’s just before your next meal time.
I eat 5 - 6 small meals per day spaced 2 to 3-3.5 hours apart (I try not to exceed 4 hours)
I eat a protein, complex carb and fruit or veggie with each meal. I limit complex carbs at night and try to eat my last meal of the day at least 2 hours before I go to bed.
Typical foods I eat:
Chicken tenders - free range when possible
Fish - tilapia, tuna, cod
Lean pork loin roast
Lean ground turkey
Turkey breast roasted
Lean cuts of steak
Hard boiled eggs/egg whites
Scrambled eggs/egg white combo
Omelets
Non-fat Maple Greek Organic yogurt
2% swiss or provolone occasionally
Non-fat sour cream
Protein powder
Soy Milk
Natural Organic Peanut Butter
Almonds
Sunflower Seeds
Vegan Boca Burgers ( I love these!!)
Apples, Bananas, Papaya, Blueberries, Strawberries, Rasberries, Blackberries,
(My favorite is organic blueberries! They have such great flavor compared to regular berries!)
Spinach, Chard, Artichokes, Squash, Zucchini, Onions, Carrots, Cherry or Grape Tomatoes, Cucumbers, etc.
(Acorn squash is new for me, I bake it, then mix a little soy milk, small amount of brown sugar and pumpkin pie spice into it…delish!)
All fruits and vegetables are organic, the flavor is much better and I believe the nutrients are as well.
Oatmeal, Brown Rice Cereal, Brown Rice Pasta, Whole Wheat Pasta, Ezekiel Bread, Organic low cal whole wheat bread, Organic corn tortillas, Wild Rice, Brown Rice, Sweet Potatoes, Flax Seed, Wheat Germ, Bee Pollen.
Other things I use:
half n half, organic brown sugar or sucanat, spices, olive & canola oil, real butter, garlic, low sodium soy sauce, spice packets and marinades that are organic or don’t have additives in them, dark chocolate, coffee, teas, organic low cal mayo, mustard, organic pasta sauces measured in small amounts, pure vanilla.
Sample of a typical Day:
Meal 1: ½ cup oats, splash of soymilk, sprinkle of brown sugar, pumpkin pie spice,
flax/wheatgerm/bee pollen mix and ¼ - ½ cup blueberries
3-5 egg whites, water and vitamins. 3.5 to 4 points
Coffee with 1 tsp brown sugar and half and half .
1.5 points
Meal 2: Shredded left over chicken in 2 small corn tortillas with ¼ avocado spread on each, stuffed with spinach. Handful of grape tomatoes, 1 small orange, water. 6 points
Meal 3: ½ cup nonfat organic maple greek yogurt with flax/wheat germ/bee pollen mix, ½ banana, 3 egg whites, water or tea. 4 points
Meal 4: Apple with natural peanut butter and I might snag a chicken tender (small piece) from leftovers. 5-6 points
Meal 5: ½ cup whole wheat pasta, 1 TBS organic alfredo sauce, 1 portion of ground turkey sauted in canola oil, green beans and a few grape tomatoes. 7-8 points
Meal 6: 1 egg, 2 whites, ½ banana (if I’m staying up late and it’s been 2-3 hours since my last meal but 2 hours before bed still…) 3.5 points
My points value is 25 per day…this meal is 32 points. I use flex and activity points throughout my week ever since I started working out with weights. I need the fuel, I listen to my body and feed it accordingly. Points help me track individual portions better. When I was just eating clean, I’d eat way too much. For some reason this combination works for me very well. I don’t stress over rules. If I want a piece of dark chocolate I’ll have one as long as I haven’t already had 4 in the day…I limit it to one square of a whole bar once a day or spread it out about one every 3 days if I’m just not in the mood for it every day. I listen to my body.
In clean eating you don’t use as much brown sugar as I do or half n half…but this plan is customized to me. My consumption of those things are small and my losses are still good and it makes eating this way more livable for me. Could I add a bag of potato chips daily? Maybe…but I would never do that because nutritionally it’s junk…processed, high fat, salty. No, thanks, I’ll take my less destructive coffee with half n half and brown sugar. I make my own rules up, but I pay attention to the Quality of my foods and watch my pitfalls (baked goods, high fat foods) and I don’t sabotage myself or live in denial about how a donut just doesn’t fit into my plan, but a small amount of dark chocolate does. Dark chocolate doesn’t cause my sugar cravings to go nuts and dark chocolate has some health properties to it that I like. I listen to my body and don’t eat what doesn’t agree with it or that I know full well is bad for it.
For me this is not a diet…this is how I live, how I eat and I don’t feel like I’m on a diet. I feel like I am making very serious choices about the care of my body and I take it very seriously now. I don’t poo-poo a cookie here or slice of cake there or a binge episode of KFC…I don’t go and eat those things and then either ignore it or make an excuse for why it was ok to eat it “that one time”. It’s not okay…so I either don’t do it or I do it and understand that my body will suffer for it, I will likely not see the results I want and it didn’t happen to me because I had a bad hair day, or cuz I was sick or cuz I’m stressed at work…I chose the action and suffered the consequences…and sometimes I do that. Like on Thanksgiving or Christmas or during vacation. Or sometimes I just really want something and if I can’t fit it into my plan then I weigh the consequences…if I indulge in a butterfinger bar right now…is it worth not seeing my best possible result at the end of the week. If it is, then I eat it…sometimes I eat it and then I work out more to make up for it or sometimes I choose not to eat it at all. Most of the time it’s a no brainer and I don’t eat it. I don’t want to get caught up in the unhealthy cycle of exercising in order to reverse bad food choices. That’s a lot of running in place in my opinion.
Exercise:
I find that if I stay active throughout my day it helps me have more energy in my day, digest my food better and keeps me motivated. I look for opportunities to get activity or stretching in throughout my whole day.
I start out my week packing a cooler to take to work (or packing my backpack if riding my bike to work) with a week’s worth of staple foods. I cook hard boiled eggs, and some other protein source like chicken or turkey or fish on Sunday night. I walk to the bus stop.
At work I make breakfast and head to my desk.
On my break I take the stairs up to the breakroom and go up and down a few extra times (I work in a 3 story building so I go up and down 3 flights 3-5 times…then I head to the kitchen for my coffee and then sit in the women’s lounge, kick my shoes off and do some floor stretches while I sip on my coffee. I take my coffee downstairs with me and finish it at my desk.
At lunch I head back up to the break room, taking the stairs (just once this time) and make my lunch, eat it, drink my water and then head out for a 30 minute power walk.
I take another break in the afternoon and my husband and I walk around the downtown area together. I also eat my next meal at this time or just before or just after our walk.
If it’s not raining and I’ve ridden my bike I will ride home. If I’ve taken the bus (in the winter it’s too cold to ride even when it’s not raining) I will often walk home.
Once home I eat my next meal and change into gym clothes. I do chores, check emails, get online and then grab my gym key and head to the bus stop. I take the bus to my husband’s work and we walk to the gym together. We workout - I usually do 20 minutes of cardio and then one major body area.
Weights:
I work Back and Biceps on the first training day, Chest, Shoulders and Triceps on the next training day and Legs and Abs on the next. I am trying to get a routine down right now that follows the Body for Life training method. I lift 3 days a week, every other day and rotate 2 upper body workouts and one lower body.
Cardio:
Eliptical, Treadmill (inclined) and Stationary Bike and I make my 20 minutes count! No fluffy workouts here. I also train Abs on my Cardio days, 3 days a week.
I stretch after my workouts.
Sometimes after our workout we walk home, depends on how patient we are feeling…the bus is SLOW (we live 2 - 2.5 miles from the gym and work…it’s about a 35 minute fast walk for me).
Home, shower and WATER and the next meal!
So, that’s basically my plan. I didn’t just jump into this…I did it slowly and built up to this. When I first started I was eating clean only…did that for a month and a half then added weight watchers…then slowly added some light cardio, mostly walking, then added some heavier cardio and then added more activity all throughout my day and now I’m working in some serious weight lifting. I want to focus more on cleaner eating and even more body sculpting with weights in 2010.
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