NO! Absolutely NO!

Okay...I'm extremely pissed off right now. I was feeling all sorry for myself and dissappointed because I gained 3 lbs. over xmas week and then it looks like I'll have gained another 1 lb. on Saturday's weigh-in.

ALLLL the old familiar pity party fun has been present. Beating myself up, using EVERYTHING as an excuse...not even caring about what JUNK I've been putting in my mouth and LOTS and LOTS of hiding behind the comfort of old familiar habits. God dammit!

THIS is MY YEAR!!! 2010 is the year I find out what my true potential is...it's the year I find out how good it can get...how much I can transform and change and improve. And you know what? I'm not doing this anymore....NO! Not this time.

This isn't about eating taboo foods over Christmas, it's not about overeating since Christmas...it's not even about control, or lack thereof. It's about FEAR! Fear of success...fear of letting others down...fear of the unknown...fear of being the weak, can't-do-it Fat Girl in the end no matter what. No matter how much I prove otherwise. Well FUCK THAT! I'm NOT going to let this dominate me. I'm not going to give in to this VERY familiar saboteur.

Just prior to Christmas I was getting alot of people asking me for my help. For some reason I started to feel a tremendous amount of pressure to keep my progress up because I had to be a certain way for them now. I had to be a mentor, teacher, perfect, the girl with all the answers, the guru. It all of a sudden became about everyone else's expectations of me and I lost it...I lost my focus on me. I started freaking out about this outside pressure that just sort of cropped up all at one time, probably because everyone is focused now that it's the new year.

I am done with this. I am NOT going to let all my hard work...my DAMN hard work, be all for nothing. And, I do want to help people, but it can't be at the expense of losing my own focus. I don't have to be the guru...the girl with all the answers...the keeper of everyone else's success...or RESPONSIBLE for whether or not they excel or succeed. I don't have to own any of that, and I won't. NO, not this time. I've been down that road before and it's a big FAT DEAD END.

I want More. I want it more than anything else in the world. I want MORE! I want the opportunity to live with MORE. More life...more vivid, outstanding, breathtaking life. I want it and there is NO way I'm letting fear fuck that up. NO way. No more. Never again.

So, get the fuck out of my way Fear...because you have NO place in my life anymore. I'm no longer your bitch. You can't have my life...it's mine now. It's mine and I'm going to make it MORE than it's ever been before.

I lost 52 lbs. from June to Dec. in 2009.

Now it's 2010...and you ain't seen nothin yet!! ;)