Coming Back to Weight Loss ~ August 19, 2013

It's been a very long time since I've blogged.  I use this as a diary of sorts and lately I've had a lot on my mind so this is where I'm going to unload.  

Since my mom died a lot has changed...mostly inside me.  Life is very different when you lose your mom.  I was very close to mine.  My sister, my mom and I were the 3 Musketeers!  Last September I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy *smiling* and he's been the most amazing experience of my life!  His name is Liam Kane.  My mother would have LOVED him.  It's definitely difficult raising a child without your mom around to ask questions of and to help keep you calm when you're not sure what to do.  I miss her every single day.

Liam is everything now and my life needs to be better than this to meet his needs over the next 17 years.  I'm 46...I need to live as long as I can, so that I can be around for all that is on its way.  My health...I need it now more than ever.  My great grandmother lived to be 96, my grandmother...88.  My mother...69.  If I don't make serious and drastic changes my number will be up soon.  Knowing this makes it even harder.  I wish I had never abandoned my new healthier lifestyle...I wish I had let it be my strength instead of going back to my old coping mechanisms.  But, I didn't so this is where I am now.  No use dwelling on it...won't change a thing.

Today would have been my mother's 72nd birthday.  Even though it wasn't her intention, she taught me more than anyone or anything else could have about how important it is to take care of yourself...by showing me exactly what will happen if you don't.  I used to think...it doesn't matter if I eat junk food...my mom does and there's nothing big wrong with her....ok, well a little high blood pressure but otherwise nothing.  I didn't know this then but her "little" high blood pressure was anything but little - apparently her numbers were off the chart, the doctor calling her a walking dead person.  In the end she had early kidney failure, emphysema, restless leg syndrome, high blood pressure, osteoporosis and lots of side affects from tons and tons of medications.  Her teeth rotted because she didn't go to the dentist and that prevented her from qualifying for a kidney transplant.  (She wouldn't have qualified anyway once they discovered the emphysema.) 

Anyway, the point is...I can't think of a better day to re-commit to the most important mission my life could possibly begin.  For me, for my son, for my husband...and for my mom.  

And, so it begins...

Truth...

Truth is an interesting thing. I have recently come to realize that I have a pretty vast knowledge of nutrition, at least based on what the most recent studies are showing us. And, I believe in what I know wholeheartedly. Enough that if I had children I'd feed them according to what I know is true at the moment.

But, here's the reality...the fat chick isn't credible.

It's true. I know as much as some professionals in the field, and not as much as others, of course. But, it doesn't matter because I don't look the part. It goes back to the old saying "proof is in the pudding". I never go to a hairdresser if her hair is a freakin' mess. I never take fashion advice from the woman who looks like she walked out of a bad 80's movie. So, I get it. And, it makes sense.

I was recently in a situation where a woman who was much thinner than I was, was talking about what foods were healthy and what foods weren't during a social lunch with others at the table. She was right, on a couple of things...but very mislead otherwise. Many of us are. And I hate that. I feel like the food industry is just sitting there laughing their asses off while we consume their products, make them rich and continue to get diseased. They don't care. But, I DO! I decided to share some information for her to consider. If faces could say a whole sentence without speaking a word from their mouths she would have said with that look on her face... "yeah, because you're clearly in the know....all 260 lbs. of ya...whateva!" lol...I swear to you the expression on her face seemed to say exactly that.

But, I AM in the know...and I really want to help other people see the wool that is being pulled over their eyes. But, I might as well be invisible right now. The truth is...no one believes you know what you're talking about unless you LOOK like you know what you're talking about. You gotta practice what you preach.

I really want to be heard...even if it only helps just one soul find her way. And, if I want to be heard, I need to SHOUT. The best way to shout is to do it and be the example.

A surprise for me!!

Wow! My step son surprised me with a free health club membership for the summer. He is a certified life guard, and got a summer job working at the local health club here in my town. He said he gets to add one family member onto his free membership and he chose me!

He has struggled with his weight and has asked me for advice over the past couple of years. He's taken the information I've given him, and researched quite a bit of his own, and is now trim and fit and most importantly healthy. He eats well, understands the importance of good nutrition and exercises. He's become my inspiration and I'm very proud of him. I know he struggles like I do, so I can appreciate all that he's accomplished.

Every now and then he gives me advice and I think he's really rooting for me. I think the best "thank you" I can give him for thinking of me for his free family member add-on, is to go workout! :) Hope it's air-conditioned! lol

ex's and more...

Today my husband's ex-wife tried to manipulate a situation and my husband made sure to block her move. I'm so grateful to have the devotion and dedication that he gives me. I think part of the reason I love this man the way I do is because he's always made it very clear to me that I'm his here and now and always will be. <3 Mad love...mad, mad love.

I've decided to change the entire direction of my life. I'm such an advocate of clean eating and I hate what the food industry and those who are suppose to protect us from such monstrosities have done. I want the next part of my life to be dedicated to making change. Not just in my own life personally, but globally. I want to help people ignite a fire in their bellies. Take a stand. Demand truth. I want to take what I have left of my life and be the example of the change I want to see in the world.

I have big plans. BIG. And, I've already started...stay tuned!
;)

My Climb Begins Again

UGH! I'm so MAD that I let myself gain this weight back!! I'm having a moment of serious regret and pure ANGER! I HAD it under control...I was doing it and now it's as if I never did it and can't figure out how to again. REALLY? That's ridiculous! SO MANY things have happened this year that would have been 150% better if I'd reached my goal...which I would have been to by now and beyond! I'd probably be studying for my personal training certification...I might be applying for a Weight Watchers Leader position....my skating rink is having a 30 year reunion this summer and I'm still fat!! My husband's band scores a spot in a big festival and I'm going to be baking in the sun in all my fatness while half naked skinny chicks roam all around me! My mom's memorial service is in August and I had wanted to be an example of how you can go from fat to healthy and on the day I say goodbye to her show her that I did it...something I know she would have been SO proud of. As I sit here and type this my chin has become two and there are two little pimples right where the crease of my new chin meets my old chin. Lovely. I can't breath just walking from the car again. I have HUGE headaches again. I don't even have enough energy to take a shower without becoming exhausted. And I use to KICK ASS and NOT that long ago! I'm 3.5lbs. heavier than my highest weight. A new all time high. I feel about as sexy as a wad of chewed up gum. And the thing that keeps playing in my mind is...what happenend??? You had this!!

The bottom line?

It doesn't matter how much time I've wasted or even that I've regained all this weight and then some. It doesn't matter that I'm going to have to go through the upcoming events in my life heavy and not at my goal weight afterall. It doesn't matter that I should have stayed the course but didn't. It doesn't matter that I have doubt that I can't do this again even though I know exactly what to do, how to do it and why. It doesn't matter that I'm sad. It matters that I stand up and be present in my own life...and take back what is my birthright. The absolute unwavering fact that I am worthy of a good life, taking care of myself, being selfish and finishing what I started. That's what matters. I am worth my own time and I'm worth the work and worth the effort. I deserve a happy life simply because I was born. Everyone does. The thing is...no one is telling me that's not true. No one but me. I'm the one standing in my own way. Well, I'm about to break my own legs and get my fat ass out of my own way, let me tell you! I have had it!!

Somewhere between March of 2010 and now I lost my purpose and direction in life...the sadness overcame me and I just didn't care about it anymore. And, now I am convinced that the whispers inside me will never stop until I realize my potential. They are quite literally annoying the shit out of me!! I need to be the example. I need to be my own example first and foremost...and then I need to pay it forward. That's all there is to it. I've been trying to accomplish this purpose for YEARS. It's time to do it already and see where it leads me...I know it leads to growth, because I can feel when I get close to uncovering the gifts that will be bestowed on me for my efforts...I shut down. I feel like I can't possibly take on the responsibility of being an example. It's scary. I'm not good enough to pull it off. I'm terrified of the opportunities that it will unlock. I don't want the attention because I don't know what to do with it. It scares me to have to deal with that. And all of that is growth just waiting to happen.

It's amazing how, when we want to find excuses we will. And they feel like valid excuses. BULLSHIT. They are not valid. There is NO reason to ignore yourself. Ever. Not kids, not husbands, not family, not even God. No one. Because if you don't take care of you you're a shell.. Empty. Nothing. Dead inside. You can only give to your kids, your husband, your family and your God if you are full. Happy. Purposeful. Alive.

Your mind is powerful...use it.

my life right now...changes

My life...my mom, my step daughter, my work....all of it builds stress.

My mom is dying. We are all dying...some slower than others. My mom is on the fast track. It's been hard for me to deal with it and I have been dealing with it inside, not expressing it outwardly. I tried to make a hundred YouTube videos to catch up where I'm at and give an update but I can't even start without tears and as I sit here and type....tears. I'm tired of feeling this sadness but how can you not feel sad...this is sad, period. It is what it is.

My husband and I believe my step daughter is being sexually molested. We can't prove it, she won't admit anything, and Child Protective Services has told us that unless we see the act, or the child admits the act, they won't even start an investigation. I'm not going to go into the details here, not the place but we have reasons to believe this, lots of them. I was even told by a retired law enforcement friend, after telling him all we know, that we were justified and we should contact CPS...we did that but to no avail. How sad is that? And, frustrating....and infuriating....and completely unhelpful and NON protective is that?! She's 10 years old this month...lives with her mother and her mother doesn't think there is anything wrong. Of course, I'm sure her opinion is not swayed one bit by the car the man has given her or any of the other gifts and presents and money...it's a mess and it makes me angry and very sad, period. It is what it is.

Work. I've been dealing with a situation at work, that I just can't resolve. I am having a difficult time with a co-worker and I am not going to elaborate on it here. Difficult, however, is an understatement. I have never in my whole adult working life ever dealt with anything like this. We have tried all kinds of ways to work together and it's just not working. Sometimes there just isn't a resolution. You're just different and don't understand one another. I just want her to leave me alone and let me do my job, something she finds very difficult. I'm very frustrated by this situation...and my boss is trying to help but there is only so much you can do. If this town offered more in the way of job opportunities I'd have left a long time ago. I feel as though I've given what I can to the situation and now I'm just done with it. I'm done and I'm job hunting again....in a town that have very little to offer in the way of job opportunites. It is what it is.

Time is a precious thing. It takes time to "live". There are 24 hours in a day...8 of which should be devoted to sleep. 8 more to work. That leaves you 8 hours. 8 hours to "live" in each day. It's a fact that living healthy takes more time than living unhealthy. It just does. Especially when you've spent a good 40+ years living unhealthy. Living healthy takes concentration and focus and huge commitment. And, I believe, it's easier for some than others. I don't know why that is, but some just don't struggle with the "want" of junk food or sugar. They just choose well, always. Were they born without the love of food, especially really decadent, full flavored comfort foods? Do they ever crave it like some of us do? To the point of being angry about it? Add that sensation to all the life stressors that many of us feel and it's no wonder.....and then add to that the "new food industry" where every form of non-nutritional, even cancer causing chemically laden foods are available for a fraction of the cost of the healthy choice. I swear some of the additives are addictive. They have to be. Why else would someone crave a completely inferior tasting food and not even be able to get enough of it. It makes no sense. I will spend the rest of my life fighting my addiction. I will never be at ease with food. I will never have a natural relationship with food. It just is what it fucking is.

So, the bottom line is, the past 3 months I've been struggling with trying to stay healthy while dealing with all that goes along with taking care of my mom (and dealing with my own sadness about it), writing letters to CPS, talking to private investigators and law enforcement and dealing with the most absurd situation at work which I tend to take home to my husband......and ALL that has to fit into my 8 hours that I have left to "live" in and all I want to do with whatever little bit of time is left over, is sleep. I have no energy. none. It's easier to nuke a frozen burrito than take the time to make a healthy version instead. And, then it becomes comforting to eat 3 burritos one right after the other. And, pretty soon....you're not healthy anymore.

I've gained 23 lbs. in the past 3 months....

I HATE that my mom is going through this horrible slow death.

I HATE that my step-daughter is being violated and her mother is making it ok.

I HATE that I have to walk on eggshells at work every single day.

I HATE my addiction to sugar and food in general.

And I HATE that I was beginning to feel like I use to, powerless, hopeless, defeated.

But, I LOVE me. And, I deserve MORE than this. And, I'm ANGRY. I'm angry at all that I can't control and I let that take away the ONE thing that I can. It almost got me too.

What good is it going to do to give up on myself? Does eating bad and losing my self esteem make the pain of watching my mother wither away feel better? Does not being able to breath and feeling defeated because not taking care of myself make this man stop hurting my step daughter or make her mother miraculously grow a conscience? Does eating huge amounts of food at once make the situation at work feel any differently? No, it doesn't. And, I KNOW it doesn't do squat to change my addiction to sugar or my struggle with food.

I STILL WANT MORE and I'm angry.

I'm not going to let all of these things overtake what I want and need to finish! My mom is still going to die...my daughter is at the mercy of her mother and if I can help I will but I won't own the guilt of her mother's inactions....and the situation at work is going to change. because I'm not going to put up with it anymore. And, all of those things are NOT as important as me.

My journey to good health is the only thing that makes it possible to deal well with all of this other crap. It comes first from now on. "You feel sad? Well, you'll have to feel sad AFTER your workout." I need help in dealing with all this crap and the help is in focusing on this journey first and foremost.

I'm back....

Friday, Saturday and my weigh-in!

So, Friday I took the bus to work because the sore throat was being persistent. I climbed stairs on my break, went to lunch (Taco Bell Fresco taco) with my mom so no walk during lunch, but I walked home. Then I walked to meet my husband at the gym later that night. My gym workout was awesome! I did 20 minutes of intense cardio, then did chest and shoulders and worked them pretty hard...my husband helped me focus on my muscle contraction by placing a finger on the muscle I needed to focus on...for some reason this helps immensely! Great workout! We took the bus home instead of walking. I finally got some vitamin C and my throat already feels better! Amazing what a gob of vitamin C can do!! :)

Okay and let's see, Saturday was not according to plan...I got on the scale in the a.m. and lost 1.4 lbs. for last week bringing my grand total lost to 58.4! Woo Hoo!! That's my highest lost so far and I've lost for the past 3 weeks in a row...which makes me feel like I'm pulling out of the yo yo thing I had been doing. I've been very careful with my diet and the exercise has been off the charts so I'm hopeful I'll see another loss next week. I didn't exercise on Saturday though. I simply opted not to. Today is Sunday, and since I took Saturday off of exercise I'm hoping to get some in today...although I have no idea where or how. I have to go to my sisters because my uncle, who I haven't seen in 10 years, is in town!! YAY! And, then we have a movie we are taking the whole crew to tonight (Alice in Wonderland!!) So, I might have some time between like 5 and 7 where I can get some cardio and abs in. I'll try!! If not, it won't be the end of the world, but it would feel great to squeeze it into an otherwise jam packed day! :) I'd love to go roller skating but that's not going to happen today.

I found out on Friday, while I was having lunch with my mom, that she has been diagnosed with emphysema. We knew something was probably up but thought it might be related to her kidney failure. I don't know yet what we are looking at in terms of life expectancy....a year? two? I know 4 is probably the max, she's in stage 4...the last stage. I did a little research on it and it's just a horrible thing and I am heart sick that she is going through it. So, the next few years will be a challenge for me, as my coping mechanism in the past has been food. But, my mother's health is one of the biggest reasons that prompted me to finally stick to something solid...I don't want to go through what she is going through. It's very real to me, the risks involved, when you don't take care of yourself properly. We think it's not really doing much of anything except making us look bad, but on the inside, over the years, it's doing a tremendous amount of damage, some of it irreversible. It was a huge wake up call to me. It's unfortunate that it took something so huge to make me take notice.