My Climb Begins Again

UGH! I'm so MAD that I let myself gain this weight back!! I'm having a moment of serious regret and pure ANGER! I HAD it under control...I was doing it and now it's as if I never did it and can't figure out how to again. REALLY? That's ridiculous! SO MANY things have happened this year that would have been 150% better if I'd reached my goal...which I would have been to by now and beyond! I'd probably be studying for my personal training certification...I might be applying for a Weight Watchers Leader position....my skating rink is having a 30 year reunion this summer and I'm still fat!! My husband's band scores a spot in a big festival and I'm going to be baking in the sun in all my fatness while half naked skinny chicks roam all around me! My mom's memorial service is in August and I had wanted to be an example of how you can go from fat to healthy and on the day I say goodbye to her show her that I did it...something I know she would have been SO proud of. As I sit here and type this my chin has become two and there are two little pimples right where the crease of my new chin meets my old chin. Lovely. I can't breath just walking from the car again. I have HUGE headaches again. I don't even have enough energy to take a shower without becoming exhausted. And I use to KICK ASS and NOT that long ago! I'm 3.5lbs. heavier than my highest weight. A new all time high. I feel about as sexy as a wad of chewed up gum. And the thing that keeps playing in my mind is...what happenend??? You had this!!

The bottom line?

It doesn't matter how much time I've wasted or even that I've regained all this weight and then some. It doesn't matter that I'm going to have to go through the upcoming events in my life heavy and not at my goal weight afterall. It doesn't matter that I should have stayed the course but didn't. It doesn't matter that I have doubt that I can't do this again even though I know exactly what to do, how to do it and why. It doesn't matter that I'm sad. It matters that I stand up and be present in my own life...and take back what is my birthright. The absolute unwavering fact that I am worthy of a good life, taking care of myself, being selfish and finishing what I started. That's what matters. I am worth my own time and I'm worth the work and worth the effort. I deserve a happy life simply because I was born. Everyone does. The thing is...no one is telling me that's not true. No one but me. I'm the one standing in my own way. Well, I'm about to break my own legs and get my fat ass out of my own way, let me tell you! I have had it!!

Somewhere between March of 2010 and now I lost my purpose and direction in life...the sadness overcame me and I just didn't care about it anymore. And, now I am convinced that the whispers inside me will never stop until I realize my potential. They are quite literally annoying the shit out of me!! I need to be the example. I need to be my own example first and foremost...and then I need to pay it forward. That's all there is to it. I've been trying to accomplish this purpose for YEARS. It's time to do it already and see where it leads me...I know it leads to growth, because I can feel when I get close to uncovering the gifts that will be bestowed on me for my efforts...I shut down. I feel like I can't possibly take on the responsibility of being an example. It's scary. I'm not good enough to pull it off. I'm terrified of the opportunities that it will unlock. I don't want the attention because I don't know what to do with it. It scares me to have to deal with that. And all of that is growth just waiting to happen.

It's amazing how, when we want to find excuses we will. And they feel like valid excuses. BULLSHIT. They are not valid. There is NO reason to ignore yourself. Ever. Not kids, not husbands, not family, not even God. No one. Because if you don't take care of you you're a shell.. Empty. Nothing. Dead inside. You can only give to your kids, your husband, your family and your God if you are full. Happy. Purposeful. Alive.

Your mind is powerful...use it.