my life right now...changes

My life...my mom, my step daughter, my work....all of it builds stress.

My mom is dying. We are all dying...some slower than others. My mom is on the fast track. It's been hard for me to deal with it and I have been dealing with it inside, not expressing it outwardly. I tried to make a hundred YouTube videos to catch up where I'm at and give an update but I can't even start without tears and as I sit here and type....tears. I'm tired of feeling this sadness but how can you not feel sad...this is sad, period. It is what it is.

My husband and I believe my step daughter is being sexually molested. We can't prove it, she won't admit anything, and Child Protective Services has told us that unless we see the act, or the child admits the act, they won't even start an investigation. I'm not going to go into the details here, not the place but we have reasons to believe this, lots of them. I was even told by a retired law enforcement friend, after telling him all we know, that we were justified and we should contact CPS...we did that but to no avail. How sad is that? And, frustrating....and infuriating....and completely unhelpful and NON protective is that?! She's 10 years old this month...lives with her mother and her mother doesn't think there is anything wrong. Of course, I'm sure her opinion is not swayed one bit by the car the man has given her or any of the other gifts and presents and money...it's a mess and it makes me angry and very sad, period. It is what it is.

Work. I've been dealing with a situation at work, that I just can't resolve. I am having a difficult time with a co-worker and I am not going to elaborate on it here. Difficult, however, is an understatement. I have never in my whole adult working life ever dealt with anything like this. We have tried all kinds of ways to work together and it's just not working. Sometimes there just isn't a resolution. You're just different and don't understand one another. I just want her to leave me alone and let me do my job, something she finds very difficult. I'm very frustrated by this situation...and my boss is trying to help but there is only so much you can do. If this town offered more in the way of job opportunities I'd have left a long time ago. I feel as though I've given what I can to the situation and now I'm just done with it. I'm done and I'm job hunting again....in a town that have very little to offer in the way of job opportunites. It is what it is.

Time is a precious thing. It takes time to "live". There are 24 hours in a day...8 of which should be devoted to sleep. 8 more to work. That leaves you 8 hours. 8 hours to "live" in each day. It's a fact that living healthy takes more time than living unhealthy. It just does. Especially when you've spent a good 40+ years living unhealthy. Living healthy takes concentration and focus and huge commitment. And, I believe, it's easier for some than others. I don't know why that is, but some just don't struggle with the "want" of junk food or sugar. They just choose well, always. Were they born without the love of food, especially really decadent, full flavored comfort foods? Do they ever crave it like some of us do? To the point of being angry about it? Add that sensation to all the life stressors that many of us feel and it's no wonder.....and then add to that the "new food industry" where every form of non-nutritional, even cancer causing chemically laden foods are available for a fraction of the cost of the healthy choice. I swear some of the additives are addictive. They have to be. Why else would someone crave a completely inferior tasting food and not even be able to get enough of it. It makes no sense. I will spend the rest of my life fighting my addiction. I will never be at ease with food. I will never have a natural relationship with food. It just is what it fucking is.

So, the bottom line is, the past 3 months I've been struggling with trying to stay healthy while dealing with all that goes along with taking care of my mom (and dealing with my own sadness about it), writing letters to CPS, talking to private investigators and law enforcement and dealing with the most absurd situation at work which I tend to take home to my husband......and ALL that has to fit into my 8 hours that I have left to "live" in and all I want to do with whatever little bit of time is left over, is sleep. I have no energy. none. It's easier to nuke a frozen burrito than take the time to make a healthy version instead. And, then it becomes comforting to eat 3 burritos one right after the other. And, pretty soon....you're not healthy anymore.

I've gained 23 lbs. in the past 3 months....

I HATE that my mom is going through this horrible slow death.

I HATE that my step-daughter is being violated and her mother is making it ok.

I HATE that I have to walk on eggshells at work every single day.

I HATE my addiction to sugar and food in general.

And I HATE that I was beginning to feel like I use to, powerless, hopeless, defeated.

But, I LOVE me. And, I deserve MORE than this. And, I'm ANGRY. I'm angry at all that I can't control and I let that take away the ONE thing that I can. It almost got me too.

What good is it going to do to give up on myself? Does eating bad and losing my self esteem make the pain of watching my mother wither away feel better? Does not being able to breath and feeling defeated because not taking care of myself make this man stop hurting my step daughter or make her mother miraculously grow a conscience? Does eating huge amounts of food at once make the situation at work feel any differently? No, it doesn't. And, I KNOW it doesn't do squat to change my addiction to sugar or my struggle with food.

I STILL WANT MORE and I'm angry.

I'm not going to let all of these things overtake what I want and need to finish! My mom is still going to die...my daughter is at the mercy of her mother and if I can help I will but I won't own the guilt of her mother's inactions....and the situation at work is going to change. because I'm not going to put up with it anymore. And, all of those things are NOT as important as me.

My journey to good health is the only thing that makes it possible to deal well with all of this other crap. It comes first from now on. "You feel sad? Well, you'll have to feel sad AFTER your workout." I need help in dealing with all this crap and the help is in focusing on this journey first and foremost.

I'm back....