Disappointed

I am highly disappointed in myself this week. I knew I was going to struggle to even break even at weigh in but I actually gained 5.8 lbs. I've been on this journey since June 20, 2009. I had only gained twice from then until now and they were no where near this much. I am so disappointed in my choices and lack of control this week. I had at least 3 major challenges and rather than look for the opportunity to stay on track I took the low road and gave in to temptations and overindulgence.

I am trying to analyze why....they could be characterized as "binges"...I am fighting that old behavior, when it's been months since I've used this familiar coping mechanism. If I take a good long look at my week, my last few weeks really, I see that there are two major things that are happening, both of them creating a fair amount of stress on me. First, we are very very broke. I am filing bankruptcy because my income level had dropped $40k per year when I moved home to help take care of my mom, who has kidney failure. So, there are no credit cards, nothing left over to save...we live paycheck to paycheck. Normally we do okay. This year it seems there is way more to pay for than we have money for, even if we squished every cent we could out.

My husband needs dental work...and when I say "need" I mean need! He's neglected it for so long he has major infections going on. All of his teeth (what's left of them) need to be pulled and dentures made. We are told this will cost $8,800. My insurance will cover only $1500. We only have $7,200 in extra spending money per year if we pinch every single penny and nothing comes up that the kids need or that we need. In addition to this I need $2800 to pay the attorney for my bankruptcy. I owe the IRS $1400 for an error in my 2007 taxes. We haven't done our taxes this year but I suspect we'll owe, based on the changes we experienced this year. We don't have a car...my brother-in-law offered his broke down Audi to us but it needs work and doesn't run at the moment. We are guestimating that the cost to fix it is between $500 and $800. We sleep on an airbed and as a result my back has been getting worse...getting out of bed in the morning is sometimes excruciating...we need a real bed. Last year we didn't do Christmas, but this year we were hoping to. We have 5 kids.

So, all of this wouldn't be so bad, but you top it off with a job that you hate, in a small town where good jobs are impossible to find and therefore you feel trapped and it makes for a very depressing situation. If I didn't love my husband so much and was committed to my family as I am, I wouldn't live in this town...it's crippling in terms of career opportunities.

I think I'm stressed out about money and work. And, when I get stressed out I eat. Period. My gain is a direct result of my coping with this stress in my most famous and familiar way. Bingeing.

There is only one thing that I feel like I have any amount of control over and that's my health. So,when that starts to slip it makes me feel almost panicked. I am very discouraged by the gain...I feel very defeated and I feel like I have a huge stack of bricks on my shoulders. I'm just so tired of it all....

I guess if I were to step outside the box and look at the situation, trying not to feel the emotion of it, I would say to myself...here's what you do: 1) You decide what is realistic and you deal with only that, the rest will have to wait. Make a plan for your finances and work it. 3) Use your new health plan and exercise to deal with your stress. Work it out in the gym instead of reaching for comfort foods. Sounds simple but you know it's gonna be hard...but the more you conquer it the more you're going to feel in control and on top of at least one thing that's important to you. Baby step the rest of it.

My mom has a saying that gets her through the tough times and I think it's wise to remember that.... "This too shall pass..."